


... Wear My Blinders in the Rain...

by Fangirlingmanaged



Series: God Knows I... [9]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Tony, M/M, Protective Rhodey, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Steve Feels, Tony Feels, Torture, i fucking hate hydra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 03:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5359439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlingmanaged/pseuds/Fangirlingmanaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhodey's going to have Tony's back, always. He can't control his choices, but he'll be there to pick up his pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	... Wear My Blinders in the Rain...

**Author's Note:**

> Rhodey's an asshole, okay, he's an asshole because he wouldn't let me sleep. Him and his awesomeness would keep coming at me with shit. Honestly, Rhodey, God.

_Hurt them before they hurt you. Push them away before they leave you,_ that’s always been Tony’s policy when it comes to dealing with people. It’s one of the first things he learned from his father, one of the reasons why it took so long for him to let people in, one of the reasons why he didn’t say anything about the poisoning, one of the reasons why he was so flippant about the Avengers Initiative even though he’d wanted to be a part of that. One of the reasons why, upon meeting his childhood her, he’d tried to alienate him so that he wouldn’t get too close. So that Steve would always have that image of him, the Merchant of Death the media pasted him as, so that he wouldn’t have to face the disappointment that he was sure Steve would feel for him. Had always thought that the soldier would be better off without him.

Cap, Rhodey found out a few weeks after the shit storm with the mandarin, wasn’t the type of man to just roll over and let someone else decide his battles for him if he could help it. Sure, at the beginning after the battle with Thor’s brother he had been an insensitive bastard. Had pushed Tony just as much, had spouted just as much bullshit as the men he worked for, had made Rhodey question why he had ever found Cap as someone to be followed. Truth was, though, that every time Steve had tried to approach Tony back then he’d been met with rejection. If Rhodey could have been on leave, if he’d had more time to spend in the tower with them, then he would have been able to tell Cap that his best friend was scared. Terrified, really, of having someone wanting to meet him. Wanting to know him. Had seen it in the way that, a few days after the Avengers had moved into the tower, Cap had stumbled into the workshop with a carafe in one hand and a sandwich in the other. Had seen the terrified widening in Tony’s eyes that the other man could even think to come up with that. Rhodey had left them, one last glance thrown over his shoulder had confirmed that Tony was doing that awkward fidgeting and rambling he did when he was out of his depth, without imagining what would come from that.

Being in a hospital bed after two super soldiers came at you left a man with a lot of room to think. Not only to pity himself, but to figure out what the fuck happened. How things could have gone so wrong. His immediate thinking, because he just _knows_ with an aching feeling in his stomach, that Tony was hurt. That the idiot had gone and gotten himself beat up, or blown up, or shot up, or arrested or _something_ because of how goddamn self-sacrificing he is. It leaves a man with the room to think about what the best course of action for murdering a super soldier is. And when the homicidal rage recedes, it makes a man start to wonder about how things don’t add up. How what could have been considered a good man could turn so much as to hurt his friends, his _family_ , for someone who hadn’t been there for him in decades. It leaves room for a man to wonder if either side had even won the war.

                                                                                      ***

Tony tended to call Rhodey at weird hours all the time when he had something very pressing that he couldn’t seem to forget. It wasn’t about his tech because when Tony came up with an invention then he would just make it a reality, and that was that. No, the types of calls Rhodey got were of the scarily emotional variety. For all Tony was a genius he was really disconnected from how to react to emotional distress. Had learned from his parents that it was better to shut down his emotions with alcohol than to try to figure them out. Rhodey had gotten the call about Obie at around four in the morning, the one about Pepper’s walking out at around one fifty, the one about Coulson’s death at three forty five, and then there had been that call. The one about Steve. The one that would be followed by many more where Tony would try to seek reassurance from Rhodey that, no Tony, he’s not going to leave him. That, no Tony, he’s not pretending. No, Tony, he really isn’t perfect. No, Tony, it’s nothing you did that he gets quiet sometimes. No, Tony, it’s not your fault that he stares at the wall like that sometimes. No, Tony, it’s not your fault that he gets lost in hours and hours of videos of his old life. No, Tony, it’s not your fault that sometimes he goes out and doesn’t come back for hours. It’s not your fault he gets lost in the confusing changes of the city in which he used to live.

Tony’s crippling anxiety always tripped him up when talking and dealing with Steve. He had wanted to be there for his lover, God had tried so hard, but he had tried to _fix_ them both as if they had been broken. Had tried to make Steve better while mauling over himself. Had given Steve everything, but hadn’t allowed Steve to reciprocate. Rhodey had, and he can’t be faulted for this he thinks, been over protective of his best friend when this happened. Had intervened and yelled at the soldier for taking advantage of his friend. God, he remembers how one of those conversations had gone.

“Tones,” Rhodey had greeted as he got into the workshop. JARVIS hadn’t even had to ask for permission; since the palladium poisoning thing there was a list of clearances that Rhodey was included in. “J says you’ve been here for days. You need sleep, and eat, and dear God, please take a shower.”

“Can’t,” Tony had said distractedly. He looked to be in that manic phase where he couldn’t see anything outside his creation. There was a very familiar tool belt just to the side of his worktable, and a holo of a star spangled suit in front of him. “Cap’s got a mission coming up, and his toolkit is seriously lacking. I mean, how has the man survived with this piece of crap is beyond me. This is dismal, Rhodey, _dismal!_ He—“

“Does the asshole know that you’ve been working here for days without seeing the rest of the tower for him?” Rhodey wanted to scream. This shit happened all the time with Tony when he got with someone. When he decided that he wanted them for more than just companionship. He worked himself ragged. Unbidden, an image of Tiberius Stone had popped into Rhodey’s head. _Not letting that happen again, not even for this asshole,_ Rhodey had vowed.

“Yes, the asshole knows,” a voice had said behind Rhodey’s back. Cap was coming in, in a sweaty vest and running shorts, with something that smelled like indian take out in one of his hands. He also had a smoothie in his other hand. “The asshole has also tried to take him to bed, twice, but—“

“I threatened him with a repulsor so far up his ass his hair would _actually_ glow,” Tony said on the other side of Tony. And okay, shit, when had that happened? That whole finishing each other’s sentences that cynic Tony had always despised, but adorkable Tony had always been weak for.

“And you let that stop you?” Rhodey arched a judging eyebrow. Steve chuckled, not at all offended, and opened his mouth to respond but Tony beat him to it.

“To be fair, the gauntlet was on my hand and I pointed it at his face. I had things to do, honey bear, important science-y things.”

“I’ve tried to tell him that ‘science-y things’ aren’t a good excuse to run himself ragged,” Steve said flippantly. The fondly exasperated tone of his voice eased the anger in Rhodey’s chest at what could have been construed as a dismissal. He put the take out next to Tony, and ran his fingers through the sweat curled hair at the back of Tony’s neck. “But he refuses to listen. Laments the fact that, what was it that you told me?” he asked Tony, and the genius wrinkled his nose up at him. “Ah, yes. ‘Brucey bear is the only one who gets you. This is why you’re eloping’, was it?”

Rhodey couldn’t help the snort that escaped him. Tony had called him to complain about the team not leaving him alone for science things. Had said that the mother Henning was getting old, and that he wanted his tower back. Which was the biggest lie because at every get together he’d been preening with excitement. Had been what he usually was at parties with the difference that he wasn’t at all faking it and he wasn’t at all drunk. Even if the others hadn’t noticed him, Rhodey sure as hell had.

“I think Bruce is already taken, Tones,” he shared a smirk over Tony’s head with Steve. Tony turned to frown at both of them.

“I’m sure, Betty would share,” he glared at them one more time. “Is this what my life is now? The two of you teaming up?”

“Only when you’re letting yourself go,” Rhodey told him with a smile. Tony very maturely stuck his tongue out at him.

“Excuse you, but I’m in my prime. Three days is nothing. I can go for another four, at least,” and then he yawned. Big and loud, and Steve broke into honest to god giggles.

“Whatever you say, old timer,” he’d told him. He ruffled his hair, and pressed a kiss to his temple before turning to Rhodey. “It’s been great to see you again, Colonel. Make sure he eats all of that.” And then he’d gone out of the workshop.

“Who do you think you’re calling old!” Tony had squeaked. He was avoiding Rhodey’s mocking smirk at the display of affection. “And Rhodey’s not my mother!”

After that, Rhodey had eased up on the Captain a bit. Had watched their interaction in the rare moments when he was able to visit them. Watched Tony unwind more and more, watched him as he became something close to the fifteen year old kid Rhodey had met before his life had gone so much to hell, but he’d never stopped being vigilant. Had caught the distressed looks on Tony’s face when Steve would stand, in the field or a meeting or even looking over the New York skyline during a get together, and get lose somewhere in his head. Had seen the way that Steve became frustrated and helpless when Tony tried to push him away yet again. Had seen Tony pull his worst cards, his most awful tricks, to try and make Steve bleed so that he could save him from himself. Had seen how it hit Steve, hit Tony too, and had made them both recoil.

On Tony’s birthday, right before the shit storm with Ultron hit, Steve had given Tony something. Well, two things, but only one that Rhodey had seen. When all the others were gone, and it was just Tony’s closest friends in an intimate gathering. When Natasha had taken off her heels, and her feet were in Clint’s lap, and she’d been playing with Bruce’s hair. And Steve had been sprawling on the floor with Tony’s head in his lap. And even fury had taken off his duster, they had shared their presents. From the thoughtful, from Bruce, and the hilarious from Clint. Steve had gotten up to retrieve something from behind the couch, and with shaking hands had given it to Tony.

“But you already—“Tony started.

“I know,” Steve interrupted him with a smile. “But… this is important too. Please.”

“Steve,” Tony hadn’t taken his eyes off the book in his hands when he had realized what it was. Rhodey could see that everyone was focused on them. Natasha was smirking, and Thor looked mighty pleased with himself, and Clint looked like he had no idea what was happening. “Are you sure?” Rhodey had never heard Tony’s voice so reverent.

“Y-yes,” the captain’s voice trembled. Rhodey raised his eyes from Tony long enough to see him wringing his fingers, a flush on his face. He looked like he wanted nothing but to bolt. “Yes,” he said more confidently when Tony looked at him. “I can’t—not everything. But… I’m trying. I wanted you to—well, you know. When I can’t tell you, I wanted you to have something to remember. What I said—what I gave you. You have—well, you know.”

Rhodey wondered what he meant, it all seemed awfully cryptic to him, but when Tony hugged Steve he could hear the faint _klink_ of metal on metal.

After Ultron, Rhodey had spent more time near Steve than with Tony in New York. Though, the good thing was, that he was able to visit Tony more. Could see the way that he’d started to lose himself back into the helplessness of not having Iron Man anymore. He’d tried, really, to give up his title. Ultron had left him weary of himself, but then. Then. The reports were coming in of Bucky. The Winter Soldier, while a ghost, had been known around the world. What was left of SHIELD under Fury had gone back on the search, and so had Steve. Rhodey had been privy to many an argument between his best friend and his lover. Had seen that old fear in Tony to be left behind. Had hated it with everything he had that it could turn into a possibility. Had seen the longing in Steve to get his best friend back, too. Had wished he could hate him.

“—to do, Captain?” Fury had been saying to Steve. Rhodey was, officially, dismissed, but he’d never heeded orders all that well. He pretended he did, but he played by his own compass. The war, by all means, had already started by then. Loyalties hadn’t been divided, but Steve had gotten his ultimatum. Had had his shield stripped from him and his title smeared. And yet, Rhodey had thought angrily, he’s still bulldozing forward.

“Push for something better. I don’t know, Nick, this can’t be how it ends.”

“Have you thought that maybe stepping down might be more beneficial?” As always, Nick didn’t pull his punches.

Admittedly, Rhodey couldn’t see what other options there were. He’d seen tortured soldiers, coerced soldiers; he’d seen how messed up they were. Had seen men stripped of their own identity in a matter of months; had seen them become things they never would have been before. Barnes’s case was even worse; from the Intel they’d gathered his memory wiping had occurred daily. He wondered how that was, to remember some things and then have it stripped. Again and again and again. Hill had recovered the machine they’d used on Bucky, and Tony had been there to break it apart. To know how it happened; had told Rhodey how the thing wasn’t just for wiping Barnes’s memory but to _hurt him_ , to make him know that they could hurt him. To train him like a dog.

“And what, Nick, let them have him?” Steve had hissed. “Do we even know what they’d do to him? I can’t let him go through that too! He might not mean anything for any of us, but for me… for a long time, Nick, he was everything. He’s what kept me _sane_ for years after Ma d-died.” It wasn’t until Cap’s voice broke that Rhodey truly understood that while, for the rest of them, it had been decades for Steve it had been less than five years.

“You can’t start a war for one man, Captain,” Nick had told him softly.

                                                                                      ***

Rhodey had gone to Tony after that. He’d been sorrowful for the Captain, sure his situation was awful, but he’d agreed with Nick. Look at what that had gotten them; everything they’d worked so hard for had been torn to shreds. The Avengers were even less of a team now than they’d been in the beginning, SHIELD lay in shambles, and the people? Tony, too had contributed to that with SHRA. As always, Rhodey mourned, his friend had seen only the good. Had seen a program that would control future destruction under people like Erik Lehnsherr, but hadn’t seen what it would do to everyone else. Hadn’t seen that people would start looking at mutants and seeing monsters, even if they fought for humanity every single day.

So he saw Barnes, saw him walking and unscathed after finding out what had happened to his best friends, what _Barnes_ had done to his friend, and hadn’t thought. Hadn’t thought that Barnes didn’t look like the assassin in the surveillance videos but like the lost survivor. Had looked like every bit the man out of time. No, Rhodey had seen his hand crush the reactor and had gone after him. Stupid move, yeah, but _God_ , what else was he supposed to do?

He’d gone to Tony’s room after had, and to find Cap there…

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” he’d snarled at the captain. His hand had gone to the back of his pants, and fuck, he’d forgotten he’d just been laid in bed. His eyes scanned the room for something to hurt the blond with.

“I’m not leaving him,” Cap had responded softly. He sounds pathetic, Rhodey had thought. Weak.

“It’s a bit late for that, you asshole,” Rhodey could kill him. God, why hadn’t he made Tony put those things to call the suit to him? Why didn’t he give him that so that he could hurt Steve? Break him as much as he could?

“It doesn’t matter,” Steve said. He wouldn’t take his eyes from Tony. He looked like death warmed over. “What I did… I won’t apologize to you for it. I won’t apologize to the team for anything more than tearing our family apart. I understand, all of you might not think so, but I understand very well that nobody understands why I did what I did. Why I stuck with him when the rest of you didn’t. He means little to you, he means little to this world, and you don’t understand what that’s like. You don’t understand what it’s like to be so small and insignificant that your death means nothing. You didn’t live what I lived, you never met the man that existed before Erskine’s serum. I mourn for what was done to Tony while I was in the ice, but I’m eternally grateful that he had you. He had you, and Edwin, and Peggy, and Pepper. I’m glad he had that, but me and Bucky…. We didn’t have anyone. _I_ didn’t have anyone until five years ago, and Buck… he didn’t have anyone fighting for him until HYDRA sent him after me.” He took a deep breath, his eyes still trained on Tony and his hand tightening around the other man’s. “It will matter little, after this, what my reasoning was. It matters little why I did what I did. What kind of man hurts his lover like this? It might not have been me crushing the r-rea-reactor, but I didn’t stop him until it was too late. I tried to save one, and I ended up sacrificing the other. There’s no redemption from that, but” and here, Rhodey had to take a step back at the agonizingly determined expression in the Captain’s face. “Even when he hits me, even when he spits at me and berates me and screams at me; even when he’s at his worst after this… I’m never leaving him alone. I won’t give up on Bucky, but… Tony’s got me. Tony can run me dry, can take everything from me, but I’m not leaving him. I don’t expect anything from him, Colonel, can you understand that?” the Captain’s eyes locked on the chain around Tony’s neck. “There is nothing here, in heaven, or hell that will make me stop begging him for forgiveness.” He heaved off his chair, stumbled, then ran his fingers over Tony’s cheek like glass.

Rhodey watched him go before collapsing on the chair next to him. He looked at his best friend, no longer with that infernal respirator but still so broken, and tried to think of what to do. Tried to think of what _Tony_ would like for him to do. “Tell me what to do, Tones,” and goddamn it he was crying then. “Tell me what to say to make you hate him when I can’t make up my mind.”

**Author's Note:**

> I think I just need Bruce now before I wrap this up. Yay!   
> If I don't engage in the comments as much anymore I hope you forgive me.   
> Anyway, this story keeps pulling me in all directions.


End file.
